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The cemetary always looks so nice on Memorial Day. It has lots of flags and new pots of flowers. It always has lots of people. I love being there that weekend. I find it comforting there. Sometimes I just drive through. Sometimes I lay on his grave and sob. Sometimes I just sit and ponder. I do what I need to I guess.


Yesterday my neighbor let me ride her motorbike. I never rode one. It was so much fun. I rode through our backyards. I was riding and forgot to put my feet on the parts. I was letting them hang. That was really funny. It feels good to have fun.

So I did something wrong. I was having a bad day. It was the last straw. I called the bbb on a company. They did end up calling me back and saying they would redo the work. I did apologize. I did leave them a message saying I had someone else do the work now. Sorry again. Well they did not get it. They showed up today. I talked to them. I said sorry again. I told them I feel bad. I told them I called the bbb and canceled the complaint. I told them I dont know what else to do. They then said you said sorry. Its done.

I thought wow. Forgiveness just like that.

I need to be more forgiving like that.

Another lesson for the day.

Tempted to Give Up?
Day 112

You may feel you would rather escape than endure. But remember, it is always too soon to give up. God sent His angels to rescue Daniel only after he was in the lion’s den (Daniel 6:19-21). Paul says God rescued him after he had the “sentence of death” within him (2 Corinthians 1:9). God rescued Peter from prison the night before he was to be executed (Acts 12:4-11). Even at the last moment, He can rescue you. Never give up.

“Whatever string you can find to hold on to, whatever you know about God in your heart, hang on to it with everything you have. Then stand back and see His glory,” says Janet Paschal, whose grandfather died.

When it seems that there is nothing left to live for, God will prove Himself true. Focus on Him and do not let your thoughts stray for a moment.

Job initially wanted God to take his life: “Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for, that God would be willing to crush me, to let loose his hand and cut me off!” (Job 6:8-9). But if God had granted Job’s request, he would never have seen God’s blessing in the end.

The book of Habakkuk encourages you to trust in God and persevere no matter how bad things seem: “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet will I rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights” (Habakkuk 3:17-19).

Savior God, I see nothing but darkness, but in this darkness I grasp at a pinpoint of light, which is my knowledge of You. I will hold on to this, Lord, with all the strength I can muster, for You alone are my hope. Amen.

Some of the people that I dont care for have taught me the biggest lessons. It is like they were a blessing in my life. It sounds weird but I think it is true. Some of the worst circumstances also have taught me so much. I learned so much from dh dying.

Really trying to stay positive. Kind of easy to do today

We Remember Them

In the rising of the sun
and in its going down,
we remember them;

In the blowing of the wind
and in the chill of winter,
we remember them;

In the opening of buds
and in the rebirth of spring,
we remember them;

In the blueness of the sky
and the warmth of summer,
we remember them;

In the rustling of leaves
and in the beauty of autumn,
we remember them;

In the beginning of the year
and when it ends,
we remember them;

When we are weary
and in need of strength,
we remember them;

When we are lost
and sick at heart,
we remember them;

When we have joys
we yearn to share,
we remember them;

So long as we live,
they too shall live,
for they are now a part of us,
as we remember them.

from Gates of Prayer

So lately lot of things have been bugging me. The dress shop, my sister, work… A friend was talking to me. It all boils down to me not feeling important. All of the things that those people did made me feel not important. That is why it bugged me so much. So glad I understand that. I always feel better when I figure it out.

I need to realize I am important. I dont need others to tell me that or show me that. I dont need people to be nice. I am still important and wonderful.

Its just so hard to not take things personally. The four argreements is great. I need to reread it again.

Yesterday I came home after running errands and my alarm clock is buzzing. I think huh. I turn it off. I dismiss it and go about my day. Then later on I go out and same thing happens again. It is the music playing on it now. Ok. Now I know it is dh. I think what does he want to tell me. I feel it is him telling me I havent left you. Thanks for the pot and remembering me. I am happy you are happy. You are beautiful. You were a good cook. Part of this I got from talking to my parents and the other part when I was making meatballs. When he talks through others I just can sense it. It was cool. I have felt him the past couple of days. So very cool.


The other day I was at the cemetary. I saw a lady who could not find her mom. I felt really bad for her. She felt bad too. She was near me. I walked over and gave her the phone number to the office hoping they could help her. Then I left. Today I was out watering the pots of my dh and grandma. The lady was back. She said hey thanks for the number the other day. I found my mom. She then was going to carry the pot to the facuet. I said I’ll water it for you. I had my watering can. So we watered it and chatted. Her mom died of cancer 30 years ago. We talked about dh. She said she remembered reading about him in the paper. While dh was sick there were many articles about him. I told her I was getting married again. She told me good luck. I told her I would water her pot for her. she told me she forgets about it. She means to but.. She was really nice. I have met some of the nicest people in the cemetary. That sounds funny but it is true.

Wishing everyone a wonderful memorial day. Even though to those of us who lost a spouse or loved one everyday seems like memorial day.

I woke up at 530 am today. I was ready to get up. I never really stopped since. I went to the gym, ran to the machine shop for my honey, went to check on grandpa, went to Kmart, went to the cemetary, the bank, wegmans, a car show, visited with a friend, made a few phone calls, did dishes, laundry, washed the floor, wrote out bills, made dinner… I am feeling better. It feels so good to be able to do all of this in one day. I am so thankful.