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He stays so calm. All the time. Not me. I get uspet about stuff. I told him to teach me how to stay calm. He says it is not worth getting upset about. No good is going to come from me thinking about it. You cannot change it by thinking about it. It is not going to do me any good to think about it. He is right. I have been really just repeating this stuff over and over when I get obsessive. it helps.


The plans are keeping me busy. It is a good problem. I am really trying to get as much done as possible now. The last time I got married was so chaotic right before the wedding. I am also working on our honeymoon plans. That is fun. I miss my dh but know he is happy for me. He told me to get remarried and to have the family I wanted. What a conversation to have. I will always remember it. He told me when he was here. He also told me his funeral wishes, what he wanted to wear… I remember crying so hard he was telling me to breathe.Anyways.. I am happy and it feels good.

My church got a new minister this week. She seems really nice. I went over to talk to her today. I was told by the old minister that he would come back and marry me if the church found someone. Now he doesnt remember telling me that. If I wasnt told that I wouldnt be so upset. But with a month away I dont think that is enough time to get to know someone. I want to be comfortable with who is marrying me. she asked about me. I told her I am off work due to health. She said wow that must be hard. Wow. She gets it. Then I told her about dh. She said you been through alot. A lot of adjustments. she gets it. She gave me her cell number so I can call her anytime. She was very supportive and offered to help me however. I know I will like her. It is just she is right. I have had lots of adjustments and that alone is hard. That is why something small like who marries me is big to me. It seems when you carry a big load everyday the little thing can set you off. I am impressed that she gets it so quick. I am so lucky to have the people I have that help me.

I mailed them today. It is exciting. I cannot wait to get the response cards to see who is coming. It is going to be a great day. It will be fun! I am so happy my cuz is my best woman! ha. I like that name better. I think I will call her that. The best woman.

I am lucky to have my fiance. I am a bit difficult at times. I can be emotional. He is able to handle me. He calms me down. He does not give up. He thinks clearly when I cannot. I am so thankful to have him.

We are going to Hawaii!!! We are so excited!!!

Today I got an engagement card. It had a powerful verse on it. It says “We have no say over the hand dealt us in life, but we do have a lot of control over how this hand is played.” It then says”It wasnt always easy, but you worked through the hard times and overcame the obstacles and here you are with a whole world of possibilities awaiting you. It was from the lady that made my quilt from my husbands clothes. Wasnt that so sweet of her? The card and her thoughtfulness really spoke to me.

Well I finally found the anger stage. I realized it today. Today I was working outside and was missing my husband working with me and hated working alone. Then I got mad at my bf for not being here to help me. Then I thought about it. It has nothing to do with my bf. However I get mad because my husband is not here and therefore put my anger on my bf. It was a revelation for me. It explains why my bf aggitates me alot. He really doesnt. It is just me shifting my feelings to alleviate the pain. I am glad I am aware of it now. My bf is great and does not deserve it. I really have no idea how he puts up with me. I need a break from me at times.

So we still have not booked one. I dont know why. I feel what is meant to be will happen. I would love to go to Hawaii. That would be great. It is beautiful there. They have so much to do there. I could live there. The only neg thing would I would miss my family.

He keeps telling me that. Move on. I am struggling with it. I told my mom that yesterday. My sister called today and said she just had to have this cd. She said it sucks, except for one song. Then tells me the cd is for me. It is a song about I will send you a song. That is what he does. It was. I told her it is just not that easy. I am trying. I told her I have taken many photos down,…She said it was what was inside my heart that needed work. ouch. It was him talking to me through her. She doesnt talk like that. Someone else sent me lyrics about I want you to live.. I am going to the store tonight to find the cd to the song I want you to live. I know he knows what is best for me where he is.

July 2018
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