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I got 3 songs from him today. Calling all angels, I was blessed to be loved by you and someday we will be together again. I made a pot for the cemetary today. He knew it. He was saying thanks. I heard it. It is really cool when I feel a song is from him. I feel a jittery sensation and then I know he is around.

It is still hard to believe he is gone.


Well I finally found the anger stage. I realized it today. Today I was working outside and was missing my husband working with me and hated working alone. Then I got mad at my bf for not being here to help me. Then I thought about it. It has nothing to do with my bf. However I get mad because my husband is not here and therefore put my anger on my bf. It was a revelation for me. It explains why my bf aggitates me alot. He really doesnt. It is just me shifting my feelings to alleviate the pain. I am glad I am aware of it now. My bf is great and does not deserve it. I really have no idea how he puts up with me. I need a break from me at times.


I had a reading last week. The person was very good. She told me some things that impressed me. One was my husband told her that he would be the first person I see when I cross over. I have always wondered and hoped that. Now I now it will be. She also said he cannot show himself to me again because it is hard to do. One day I saw him. I thought he was real. I wrote about it before. Anyways both of those things were cool to hear.

Its been so long since he was here. Since he was alive. Since he held me. Today I had a moment of what the hell happened.. I cannot believe it still. If he was here today we would of been working in the yard together. We probably would of had kids by now. He would of been working at his dream job. We would be watching tv now. None of it seems real today. I barely remember the first couple of years after he died. I died today somewhat. But I have made it. He would be proud of that for damn sure. He was always so proud of me. He loved to tell others about me. he was so sweet. I miss that. I cannot imagine what this will feel like in 50 years.

I got out my wedding videos tonight. I am using part of them for something I am doing. It was so surreal. I still could not believe he is not here anymore. It doesnt seem real. What happened? We were so happy. We had so many dreams. He looked good. We were happy. I would watch some and cry. Even though it made me cry I wanted to keep watching. I saw friends that have since gone separate ways. I saw family members that have passed. Seemed like a lot of them. We did so much work to make our wedding a special unforgettable day. Everything was perfect. We always wanted to remember it fondly. Its been so long since he was here. It hurts. Bad. Pierces the heart. Tears unending. Why? Why did this all happen? He didnt deserve it and neither did I. he got the better deal. Where he is there is no tears or sadness. I told him that when he was here. That either way he had a good outcome. He could get better or go to heaven. I got the worst outcome. A life without him. I cannot believe the pain I feel now. This doesnt go away. I miss HIM!

For the past month my tailbone goes in and out. It messes up other body functions. I never had a problem with it before. during the night I get out my Louise Hay book. It talks about the mental causes for physical illness and the metaphysical ways to overcome them. I looked up tailbone. The mental cause for sacrum is loss of power and old stubborn anger. The coccyx is out of balance with yourself, holding on, blame of self and sitting on old pain. HMMMMMMM Holding on.. sittin on old pain. Who does that ? Not me. Yeah right. That has been my issue lately.REALLY struggling with it. Every week something happens. Lights blow, I hear songs, my sister gives me a cd…. So today I asked myself to get rid of these mental thoughts and to believe that I need to live in today and love who I am.

Someday we will reunite.

Happy. Hugs. Kiss. Cry. Talk. Happy.


He keeps telling me that. Move on. I am struggling with it. I told my mom that yesterday. My sister called today and said she just had to have this cd. She said it sucks, except for one song. Then tells me the cd is for me. It is a song about I will send you a song. That is what he does. It was. I told her it is just not that easy. I am trying. I told her I have taken many photos down,…She said it was what was inside my heart that needed work. ouch. It was him talking to me through her. She doesnt talk like that. Someone else sent me lyrics about I want you to live.. I am going to the store tonight to find the cd to the song I want you to live. I know he knows what is best for me where he is.

So on the way to the spa I drove past a few places my husband and I used to go. One was a picnic area. We had a wonderful peaceful time. We cooked steak, potatos and beans. We shopped. We bought a wind chime that sounds so pretty. We rode our bikes around. The weather was great. We were so happy. There was a time that this memory would of had me bawling. Today I was able to remember it, smile and be thankful for it. I have come a long way. It was nice to realize that.

July 2018
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