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The plans are keeping me busy. It is a good problem. I am really trying to get as much done as possible now. The last time I got married was so chaotic right before the wedding. I am also working on our honeymoon plans. That is fun. I miss my dh but know he is happy for me. He told me to get remarried and to have the family I wanted. What a conversation to have. I will always remember it. He told me when he was here. He also told me his funeral wishes, what he wanted to wear… I remember crying so hard he was telling me to breathe.Anyways.. I am happy and it feels good.


I got out my wedding videos tonight. I am using part of them for something I am doing. It was so surreal. I still could not believe he is not here anymore. It doesnt seem real. What happened? We were so happy. We had so many dreams. He looked good. We were happy. I would watch some and cry. Even though it made me cry I wanted to keep watching. I saw friends that have since gone separate ways. I saw family members that have passed. Seemed like a lot of them. We did so much work to make our wedding a special unforgettable day. Everything was perfect. We always wanted to remember it fondly. Its been so long since he was here. It hurts. Bad. Pierces the heart. Tears unending. Why? Why did this all happen? He didnt deserve it and neither did I. he got the better deal. Where he is there is no tears or sadness. I told him that when he was here. That either way he had a good outcome. He could get better or go to heaven. I got the worst outcome. A life without him. I cannot believe the pain I feel now. This doesnt go away. I miss HIM!

Oprah is looking for stories of inspiration on handling the loss of a loved one. I finally figured out what I need to tell her. I am going to be on her show. I just know it.

I became a widow at 30. All my friends were getting married, having kids and my husband already died. All of our dreams died. It was So hard. It has gotten easier but it was a lot of work. Hard work..It still is. I know he is watching over me. I know he still loves me. Do I have to let go of him? How do I do that? Why? Just rambling here.. Being a young widow is hard..

The Mourner’s Bill of Rights

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling. 2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Not sure who wrote this…

1. You are young. At least you can start over. (Great. Who wanted to start over?And that means I will probably have to live 50 years without him.)

2. Did you have kids? (No and how is that good?)

3.You have an angel watching over you.( I want him here.Do you want an angel too?)

4. You are so strong.( Do you think I come out when I am sobbing? Have you seen me lay on his grave and sob in the middle of the day?)

 5. Suck it up and finish cutting the grass. ( Do you see I am trying? I am just resting for 10 minutes because it takes hours. I have to do EVERYTHING because he is gone.) 

6. That is good you are busy. ( How? I really dont understand..)

7. Must be nice to get life insurance money …

8. How long are you going to wear black for?(I will wear it as often as I like. Maybe until they get a darker color.)

9. Hello MISS *&^() (Since when did I become a MISS. I was married. I did not change my name.) This bugs the hell out of me.


30 year old Widow, daughter, sister, cousin, neighbor, friend, and now engaged to be married

July 2018
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